2 Minus 1

The Beginning of Complicated Equation

You can’t mend what has been bent.

Kanya knows it, she knows what it meant more than anyone else when she chose her choice, the choice that started all this chaos.

Memori yang ia kubur di kepalanya selama berbulan-bulan kini kembali ke permukaan ketika melihat nama Vano dan Jo di daftar pesan iMessage-nya. Rasanya sangat familiar, but familiarity should have been calming and exciting, right? It should have felt like a warm embrace after long journey of winter, but it’s not. In fact, she feels suffocated by it. Hari ini ia dipaksa untuk kembali menyusuri jalan dingin dan berduri menuju ingatannya tiga bulan silam.

Sore itu, tiga bulan lalu, Vano memintanya bertemu di kedai kopi favorit mereka and she thought it’ll be just like their usual hang out session. Hanging out with Vano was fun. Vano was a good listener and Kanya is a loquacious person, she rambled, she ranted, she talked all day long and Vano will always be there, listening to every word she said. Vano was her safe haven. Little did she knows; world isn’t so fond with the word safe hence that day she ended up losing the person whom she referred as her sanctuary, and ever since that day the word safe no longer attached to anyone but herself.

Kanya masih ingat betul senyuman Vano ketika kedua mata lelaki itu menangkap sosoknya berjalan dari pintu masuk. Vano sat on their favorite spot, a small table for two di sebelah kaca besar yang langsung menghadap ke jalan. And she still remembers how she laughed happily during their talk for the first 15 minutes. All until that question. And she can’t help but wonder whether he regrets having that conversation with her.

“Nya, gue mau nanya.” He stared deeply into eyes.

And she giggled, like a little kid, not knowing what’s going to happen.

“Tinggal nanya aja, kayak maba deh lo apa-apa ijin.”

“Kak Jo beneran confess ke lo?”

And the lights in her eyes dim.

“Kenapa emang?”

And it’s weird how his stare suddenly feels so foreign to her.

“Kok gak dijawab? Bener ya, Nya?”

Kanya mengulas senyum, “Gosip darimana, sih?”

“Did you say yes?”

And her smile faded.

Manik matanya beradu dengan manik mata Vano. Ia masih ingat betul bagaimana sorot mata laki-laki yang ia kenal hampir separuh hidupnya itu terlihat penuh desperasi, begitu menuntut.

“Kenapa, sih, Van? Kok tiba-tiba nanya ginian.”

“Did you say yes, Nya?” Suaranya pelan, lirih, namun Kanya bisa merasakan sebuah urgensi terselip di dalamnya.

“I haven’t given him an answer.”

She stared at his eyes, and she found nothing but darkness.

“Will I become a selfish person if I ask you turn him down?”

Dan pertanyaan Vano terasa menggantung di udara, mengambil seluruh sisa oksigen yang bersirkulasi di antara mereka, menyisakan hampa dan tanda tanya.

Kanya masih diam di kursinya.

“I like you, Nya. I always like you.”

“Van — ”

“I am sorry to make things complicated, but I can’t, Nya. It’s hard for me to see you with him. I am sorry. I know I am very selfish and everything may sound non sense to you. I am sorry for showing this side of me, but I think I’ll die with regret if I didn’t let it out.”

And she can’t help but wonder whether he regrets having that conversation with her.

Because she does.

And it haunts her.